blehh!

aw, such a gloomy day today.. kinda felt liike... eeyore. xD you know, with the rain cloud following him everywhere. lol

hm, sundays are like.. the worst day of my week. I know its supposed to be nice with all the church friends and all that. but well, its tiring. lol. not only because i stay up late on saturday nights, and its not only because i kno the next day i have to wake up for school (although, those are parts of the reason) but its because... honestly, i hate to say this, but now... church is just boring. im soo.. confused.. and really, i have to admit. its because of the people there. i dont think i just say names in specific... but looking around the congregation yesterday at fellowship and this morning.. everyone has their own little group and... i dont even belong anywhere.. all the conversations i had were just... bland. theres nothing special to it.. i couldve had the same conversations with like... some other person on the street. i just feel like i doesnt even matter if im there or not anymore.

see, thats what i hate about being part of such a small church. everyone knows everything, and if they dont.. they will at least know something is not right. and seriously.. i dont think thats whats supposed to be happening in a church community. we all like the avoid the awkward silences but, why try avoiding it? it just comes back again. I just realized how hard it is to make something that is awkward back to normal. you know, its quite impossible, or at least it seems like it. I regret some of the things i did. of course, but too late now.. its not like i can take it back. I wish i could enjoy going to Redeemer now like i used to. perhaps its just me who has changed.. but whatever the reason... i really really dont enjoy being there now. I wish i knew what the exact problem is... at least then i would know kinda how to start/attempt to fix the problem. but, ierno what the problem is. It really erks me because i dont like pretending like i want to be there when i really dont. and i feel bad. ahh. but where else would i go. I feel so spiritually weak right now ><. and it sucks. cuz i dont know what i can about it. even the people who i think are my close friends at church dont seem like they want to kno about what's going on in my church life neway. so why should i tell them. and the ones that might actually care are all in university. so, why bother them.

Hopefully something will come up, and make all this better. i really dont know what i can do anymore.... patience..-sigh- trying so hard to be patient. but ugh! atm, its so frustrating!

best to worst to even more..worse..

okay so, today.. when i woke up it felt like. it was the best day of my life. why? because just the night before i got an e-mail from gor. no.. it was not just any ordinary e-mail. I guess you guys wouldnt understand. all thats important is that... it made me really really...happy. :D then my day started to go downhill during lunch when i had to cram information for two subjects within 45 mins. and without breakfast and lunch.. which was. no good =( on top of that i had a huge headache. which made it even worse. Well, the day went on and in the evening there was the concert with elmer iselers. which, i have to admit.. was totally awesome! so, concert ended and went home.. ate dinner.. and all that .. blah blah blah.. went on my comp to check my e-mail. and... nothing from gor. which was.... quite, disappointing. I've been looking forward to that e-mail... the whole day, was kinda counting on it to make my day again.
Well, thinking that i still have time to study for my stupid french test, i decided to go on gor's facebook page.. and just scanned through it. but when i looked at that little box under the profile thing.... i read something that stunned me for like.... 5 whole minutes. swear i probably stopped breathing for a few seconds and just.. didnt move. damn. i dont even want to type out what it said. hopefully... what im thinking, in my mind its not true. argh i dont know. perhaps im thinking too much. For a slight moment i didnt know how i should react to that... or should i even react to it at all. To keep this simple..... it was an interesting 'surprise' that i wish i didnt have to see. but then again... a part of me is happy too..... wth, i just totally contradicted myself.

well... after going on gor's fb page. i kinda dont want to do anything else anymore.. cept, go and cry myself to sleep... yah. im going emo =. no... i dont kno. dang!! >:( i just want to talk to him again... i thought things were fixed. but now, im not sure.. This really sucks. cuz now, thats probably all im gonna be thinking about =(

first blogg...

okars. i finally get to blog. haa i havent blogged for a really really long time now.
last time i tried blogging... it only lasted like one year.. which in my opinion for an online blog is quite fail ha.. thats why i just stuck to.. normal journaling- a notebook and pen : ). well thanks to KL. i started doing this.. blog thing xD

well, anyway! i guess i should share bout TC. haha i know its been a week now but still, it's ok:) actually... i dont really know how to explain how tc was. it was amazing? um, awesome? no, it was definately beyond all those.. but honestly. you just have to be there to understand what im talking bout. lol. Captaining was the bestest experience everr!! i regret not captaining for sr. because participating in sr. was not as great as i expected it... or, maybe it's just cuz i had an AWESOME TEAM for junior... lol.. hm... i guess turned out i didnt have much to say bout tc =/ For all those ppl who didnt go this year. you should go next year ! and if yur too old... welll er, idk... LOL xD (sorries)

my day was quite normal ... i guess.. haha school is pretty much the same thing everyday anyway. hahah. After volunteering at SAM, i decided to go to stc, to find something for -soup-but then... that turned out to be kinda fail, and i just got timbits for myself =( sigh. (they were really good though) haha. well, after that, i went home.. and for some reason i decided i would go on the computer and check my e-mail.. -something i never do until like.. after dinner- and surprisingly.. i had like 30. i was like... = HOMGG~ well. not all 30 of those e-mails were junk/facebook. most of them were. but there was this one that was from someone... that i didnt expect to get an e-mail from. but when i saw it. it made me really happy.. haha. i sound like a little kid. xD but that e-mail totally made my day : DDD

tomorrow will be an interesting day, let's see what's going to happen . . . .