blehh!

aw, such a gloomy day today.. kinda felt liike... eeyore. xD you know, with the rain cloud following him everywhere. lol

hm, sundays are like.. the worst day of my week. I know its supposed to be nice with all the church friends and all that. but well, its tiring. lol. not only because i stay up late on saturday nights, and its not only because i kno the next day i have to wake up for school (although, those are parts of the reason) but its because... honestly, i hate to say this, but now... church is just boring. im soo.. confused.. and really, i have to admit. its because of the people there. i dont think i just say names in specific... but looking around the congregation yesterday at fellowship and this morning.. everyone has their own little group and... i dont even belong anywhere.. all the conversations i had were just... bland. theres nothing special to it.. i couldve had the same conversations with like... some other person on the street. i just feel like i doesnt even matter if im there or not anymore.

see, thats what i hate about being part of such a small church. everyone knows everything, and if they dont.. they will at least know something is not right. and seriously.. i dont think thats whats supposed to be happening in a church community. we all like the avoid the awkward silences but, why try avoiding it? it just comes back again. I just realized how hard it is to make something that is awkward back to normal. you know, its quite impossible, or at least it seems like it. I regret some of the things i did. of course, but too late now.. its not like i can take it back. I wish i could enjoy going to Redeemer now like i used to. perhaps its just me who has changed.. but whatever the reason... i really really dont enjoy being there now. I wish i knew what the exact problem is... at least then i would know kinda how to start/attempt to fix the problem. but, ierno what the problem is. It really erks me because i dont like pretending like i want to be there when i really dont. and i feel bad. ahh. but where else would i go. I feel so spiritually weak right now ><. and it sucks. cuz i dont know what i can about it. even the people who i think are my close friends at church dont seem like they want to kno about what's going on in my church life neway. so why should i tell them. and the ones that might actually care are all in university. so, why bother them.

Hopefully something will come up, and make all this better. i really dont know what i can do anymore.... patience..-sigh- trying so hard to be patient. but ugh! atm, its so frustrating!